Massachusetts to Euthanize Heroic Burglar-Catching Dog for Barking

SPRINGFIELD, otolaryngologist Mass. – A state judge passed a verdict of 8 to 1 in the most controversial case in Massachusetts state judicial history. Judge Raymond Ortiz sentenced Mr. Figgles, meningitis a Yorkshire Terrier to death for assault and creating an non-conducive environment  in a long two year case.

On the night of 12th December 2007, Igorr Lepschemsky entered the home of Janice Wembl in an attempt to burglarize the property. Walking down the creaky hallway, Lepschemsky was discovered by Mr. Figgles, an adorable and loud 2 year old Yorkshire terrier. By instinct, Mr. Figgles barked at the 32-year-old crack addict and college dropout. Stirred by the noise of the dog, Wembl and her then-boyfriend, WIll Ambertone raced downstairs to find Mr. Figgles biting Lepschemsky’s right leg whilst growling.

Perturbed by the disturbance, neighbor Daniel Lowe notified law enforcement and the local pound to visit the Wembl household. Officers arrived at the residence to find Lepschemsky pinned down by Ambertone’s massive muscle building calves and Mr. Figgles biting and growling the robber’s leg. Officers removed Lepschemsky from the residence and the pound held back the vicious and fluffy dog.

“This is a win for America,” said defense attorney Jeffrey Zumberg. “My clients [Lepschemsky and Lowe] were not happy with the law that governs us and that their victory ensures that liberty and the American justice system is prevailed is a fair deal for me. The fact that you can sue an owner for half a million for leg damages and execute a dog in a non-capital punishment state like Massachusetts shows the lines where we draw.”

This was not the first trial to actually cause the death penalty to be thrown at an individual in Massachusetts. The Salem Witch Trials were examples of town sluts accused of witchcraft. Historian Annard Gelart cited, “Best day for stupid sluts who won’t show men their South Carolina.”

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